Sometimes, when I am alone and especially in the middle of the night, I start to wonder. I wonder if all of this, the surgeries, the chemo, and the radiation, will work. What if they don't?
At times, I forget that these measures are taken to avoid dying. They may or may not provide a cure. They are taken to have life, extend life.What if that clock is ticking and this is it?
I'm not scared. I am sad. I wonder about all the wonderful moments I may miss. I think about saying goodbye to my boys, my husband, my friends that are my family. Would I be strong in the face of death? Would I die with grace, love , and forgiveness?
I am certain about what will happen to me after I die. I will be a guardian angel to you all. I believe God will welcome me to his kingdom and that I will be reunited with those who I have loved and lost. I believe that some day I will be reunited with you.
So is all of this worth it? The truth in my heart, in the middle of the night when I can't sleep, is that I don't know. Maybe this time I don't win. I pray that I am not spending whatever time I have left doing chemo and radiation. It's a question that stays with me constantly and at times keeps me up at night. There are no guarantees. There are., of course, statistics. But we all know how that's worked out for me so far.....
Anyways, it occurred to me that I don't ever talk about this. I haven't shared that I really don't know if this is all going to work out. I realize that some of you have asked me this question and I have avoided answering it. I just don't know.
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