I've Got to Tell You.......

A very strange thing is happening to me. I am struggling a bit with figuring out who I am and my purpose now that chemo is over. For months I have been a cancer patient. For months I was a surgical patient. Healing was by job. For months I was a chemo patient. Surviving was my job. But now, during this "break" in treatment as I await the start of radiation, what is my job?

While I have an eternal To Do List, I am having a hard time motivating. I feel bored and I am boring. I haven't felt that way in a long time because I've been busy surviving. But now, each day is better than the day before. I feel a little bit better, a little less tired (down to one nap a day!), a little more "normal". Thank goodness this is true. Yet I feel a lack of purpose.

I had my radiation intake last Friday. On Tuesday, they begin the formal preparation process with a few new tattoos (that mark the target areas) and a fancy CT scan to help the doctor do his magic and program the radiation to hit where it needs to go. He feels I need to radiate my entire right chest wall and all the lymph nodes. I should begin radiation the following week. I will go Monday through Friday, five days a week, for six to eight weeks. It's at Sacred Heart Hospital. In a dungeon in the basement. Oh so welcoming.......

My guess is that once my daily job is to attend my radiation appointment I will once again feel that I have a job and a daily purpose. That will help. But it does make me think about when that's done. As in it's ALL done. It may be a rocky transition as I rebuild my life. I will need to figure out who I am after being a radiation patient. Please God, let me be done and help me to move on.

For now, as my radiation oncologist recommended, I will try to enjoy my break in treatment. I will try to not worry about who the new Sally is. A lot has changed. I've changed. And to be honest, I don't think restating the letrozole is helping with any of this....... But here I am. It is what it is. I am just praying for some direction. I am praying for some help.