Melancholy

Today was supposed to be my last chemo. Unfortunately I am only at 15 of 18. So three more to go. I am scheduled to be finished now on January 18.

There are, however, a number of "ifs". I have to stay out of the hospital. I can't have any major illnesses like a repeat of the pneumonia. My vitals have to stay stable. My counts must remain eligible for chemo. As you can see, most of it is beyond my control.

I did receive chemo today. I was solo but luckily in the chair next to my friend. We know each other from outside oncology but find ourselves on similar paths. Her last chemo treatment is next Thursday. It will be time to celebrate her.

Speaking of celebrations, I have been puzzled that there is no bell to ring upon completion of one's chemo treatments. So I ordered a cowbell. I plan on ringing the damn thing! Yes, fine, I won't be too obnoxious. But I want the bell. I'm going to bring it next week in case my friend wants to ring it too.

I did ask my nurse today why they don't have some sort of bell there. She said she heard it is because some people don't get to finish treatment. Others are in treatment until the day they die. I was a bit embarrassed that I had not considered this. So maybe the bell goes outside with the patient as they are leaving, to ring in a less blatant environment. But I think a celebration of sort is absolutely necessary and deserved.

Here's a selfie from today. Why do I always wear the same two shirts to chemo? Have I completely lost all sense of fashion?? No. First of all, they are shirts specifically designed for chemo. There are zippers at the collar bones that have a flap that opens to access my port. Makes the process much easier. Second, I plan on burning them when I am done, A nice little bonfire in the backyard to say good riddance and put this stage behind me. Since I don't want to burn my regular clothes, chemo shirts it is.

It was a week of ups and downs, physically and emotionally. I am definitely exhausted all the time too. But I am in the final part of this stage. Then three weeks off and I will begin radiation. It is five days a week at the hospital for six or eight weeks. I have never had radiation so I am a bit nervous. But I think I will wait and worry about that later......

I hope you all had a beautiful Christmas. Ours was ideal for the situation, mellow and easy. Perhaps a bit too much football......I could not help wondering if this is my last Christmas. What did I need out of it? How do I want my husband and children to remember it? I fought back tears quite a bit and acted like it was just another day. But my mind wandered quite a bit. I feel the same way about New Year's. Is this the last year I finish? Is 2024 the year my life here on earth ends? Nobody knows. No crystal balls. Again, I must trust in the plan and continue to work on letting go.

If I don't post again before, I wish you all a safe New Year's Eve and a relaxing New Year's Day. May 2024 be YOUR year!