One of the most difficult parts of all of this, this major medical stage, is that literally every day is built around being a patient. Because it is often more time consuming than many part-time jobs, I definitely feel that my days are mostly consumed with something medical, ie tests, procedures, labs, appointments, and the like. I go from office to office, clinic to clinic, and more. It is all-consuming and detrimental to my mental health. I have regressed to being a {Professional Patient again. I did not aspire to this nor do I want this. But if I don't show, then I am deemed noncompliant. A vicious cycle of needing the medical field and then hating the medical field for needing it.
I guess that getting the best treatment possible and also following the plans set out for me is my "Job" for right now. I am fighting to get better, to be cured, to survive. Pretty heavy stuff. After I recovered post-transplant, I had vowed to myself never again would I let my world be dictated by my health. Yet here I am and I am pissed.I imagine this anger is normal. However, I am more angry about being defined as a Professional Patient than I am that I have cancer again. Doesn't that seem odd?
I'm feeling sorry for myself. Clearly. I apologize for the bitching and moaning. But when people ask me how I feel, now you know. A big part is resentment at who I have become. Again.
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