Trust

It was Thursday. Labs, oncologist, and chemo. But not this week.

Despite three Granix shots over this past week, my counts did not recover. Chemo yesterday was not an option. I received lots of fluids and some iv meds instead.

I also wasn't "eligible" because I was finishing my antibiotics for the pneumonia. My doctor felt that with my very compromised immune system that adding chemo to the mix would only flare the pneumonia.

I may be done with chemo soon. My body may just not be able to handle much more of it. If I continue to have the extremely low blood pressure problem, and/or additional hospital visits, my oncologist feels that we may be entering a point of evaluating risk v return. Ideally I would receive at least three more full chemo sessions. But all of this is beyond anyone's control. What will be, will be.

My oncologist and I had a long talk about what precautions and steps I need to take to minimize my risks and take the best care of myself. Essentially, I am already doing it. Hiding entirely at home is not the answer. Not ever seeing people is not the answer. Continuing to wear a mask when I leave the house and minimizing "outside" contact when my counts are really low should continue. But I must continue to try to find the balance between using caution and isolating to the point of harming my mental health. I am, after all, still alive.

I must trust that God has a plan for me and that the plan may not include being able to complete the chemo protocol. I must also trust that this is ok. That trust is at times very difficult to feel. So I will pray, and I ask those of you who also pray to do so, that this journey will unfold exactly as it should.